k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
