What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
