She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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