i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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