dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
