I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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