I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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