i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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