so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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