Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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