I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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