the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
