Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
