You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
