she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
