The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
