she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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