3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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