thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
