I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
