chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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