He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
