You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
