I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
