Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
