There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
