dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
