remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
