why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
