there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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