I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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