omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Randomize
