my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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