Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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