Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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