Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
