theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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