my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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