I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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