Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
