Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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