So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
