i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
