On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we're making bets on your personal life
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
