and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
