I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
