Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
