i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
