that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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