sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So many bounce houses so little time
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
