I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
