Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
