I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
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the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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