OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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