I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
