smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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