i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
