my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
