So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
