just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
